At least that’s the last part for me. But, for everyone else it’s just the beginning.
I realised I’ve successfully transferred my pain and anguish onto all of those who love me.

The last people I ever wanted to hurt, but at the time, I couldn’t think clearly and all I knew was that I couldn’t bare the pain in me anymore. I didn’t realise at the time that my thoughts and feelings were completely irrational and all the self hatred was actually what I know as depression.

Of course, my friends and family would miss me and be absolutely devastated and no doubt some of them would blame themselves for not taking me seriously.

This was my personal life experience with depression and attempted suicide. In all those years, I tried three times. I had suicidal thoughts after my mum passed away, but I thought of my father, who was alone, for the first time in his life. So, I shook those suicidal thoughts away.

Obviously, the whole story is a lot longer. These days, I choose not to dwell too much on the details. I thank my angels or whatever it was out there, every single day that I survived. As I wrote this, I stopped and looked at the cat I’m looking after, and thought, “geez, I’ve gone through a lot, and yet, here I am, still standing. I’m so proud of how well I’ve overcome all of that”. The cat just looked at me as if I was crazy (I was, after all, talking to a cat!).

I often forced myself to shake the memories or flashbacks that haunt me on a daily basis. I don’t really think about it (on my own accord), if anything, I find it difficult to be with everything that has happened to me. Anyway, sitting down and writing this forced me to do that, and I must admit, it’s cathartic.

I’ve been suicidal-tendency free for more 15 years or so. My healing journey has been simply that – journey.

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