I was sitting in the living room, my heart broken into smithereens, my body convulsing with every failed attempt at silencing my sobs, re-reading the messages, as I tried to make sense of it all.

First thing that came through my mind – where did I go wrong? What did I not do? Was I not good enough for him? He made me feel utterly worthless… I was, officially, emotionally ruined.

For months, negativity consumed me. The only person that could heal my broken heart was that very same person who broke it. Or so I thought. I became bitter and I kept telling my friends; being in a relationship or married is just not worth it. I thought he was the only source of light for me – drowning in my own tears, I hoped his hand would pull me up – to save me from drowning. But, that wasn’t the case.

If only he knew what it was like for me, the first few months after receiving those messages, after talking to him, after trying to make things work. For a moment then, there was light – there was hope, but it slowly faded away. I was in total darkness – knowing that things would never be the same again.

I could not sleep, because the nightmares were too real. I remember waking up screaming and crying. I could not eat, because I had no appetite due to anxiety. It was a real struggle getting out of bed – to act as if everything was fine in front of my siblings, friends, and colleagues.

Months went by, and finally, I realised that it was not me that was not good enough for him. The fact is that he was not good enough for me. These words have stuck with me for the longest time, in fact, way back when we were together (but, I was in denial and kept it going). So, now, I have to remind myself of that – repeatedly – and that I deserve better than the warped perception of love that was handed to me on a tainted silver platter.

I deserve better than being manipulated, I deserve better than him.

I did not need anyone to help me heal. Me, was and is all I need to heal, to move on.

Today, I am no longer the same woman who was in the living room on that particular evening. I have become this woman who would never give someone complete power over me – where I would lose total control. Utter power over me where he would make me feel worthless. I am no longer allowing that to happen.

I am no longer bitter or sad. I do not have to force happiness upon myself. I no longer need to seek validation from others.

I do not hate him. We had some great moments, more than bad, and I am forever thankful that he was part of my life.. simply because he became the best and the worst thing to happen to me.

I know he is struggling right now – knowing that I have moved on. I wish him nothing but happiness. I do not regret him – I do not regret the years we were together. Most people would probably want the same kind of hell to happen to those who cheat on them, but not me. I wish and pray that he experiences the same happiness that I now experience on a daily basis.

One of the good things that came out of all this is that he helped me grow, and for that, I am thankful.

 

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